I’ve been in Cambodia for almost eight months now, and still whenever a Khmer person asks me about my background, my stomach drops and I think to myself “oh boy, here we go again…” I’ve been putting off writing this post for some time now, mainly because the emotions behind this are too impalpable to put into words, and I didn’t want to reduce them to a mere blog post. But this is something that’s a constant thorn in my everyday life, and I think I might feel a little better if I just address it openly.
Whenever I talk to other volunteers about being a foreigner in Cambodia, I listen to their stories and I think to myself how I would give anything to go through that than this. I often wonder what my experience would be like if I looked like the Khmer preconceived notion of an “American”, but then I ask myself, would that really affect my life and my work here? Would I truly be happier? We were told when we first got here, that the Khmer people really take an interest in “barangs”, but nobody ever warned me that being Asian-American in Cambodia would be like this, that it would be so difficult.
Most of the time, it starts with an innocent question or statement along the lines of: “You look Khmer.” ”What is your nationality?” “Where do you come from?” I can usually handle these, because I know they’re just asking cause they’re curious. I forgive their bluntness, and I’m more than happy to answer their questions. And in the end, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I was able to teach someone about the diversity that makes America so great. But sometimes, I get broken down by the uncouth person who’s convinced I’m not American because I don’t look like the “American” people he sees on TV. I try to explain as calmly as I can, and I use all of the vocabulary I know, but most of these conversations end in me being called a liar, and I go home feeling defeated, angry, insulted, and embarrassed. It makes me hate this place when I want to love it so much.
It sucks, it hurts, and it’s a struggle to stay calm in these circumstances. And much to my chagrin, on more than one occasion, I’ve been so broken down I lock myself in my room and feel ugly and ashamed for being Asian-American. How fucked up is that? I hate it, but I hate myself even more for feeling this way. It’s tough to stand there and listen to someone call me a liar and undermine my work and not be able to say anything back. Cause I’m supposed to be the “nice” one in this cultural exchange.
The other day, I was walking through the market with another volunteer when a lady stopped us to chitchat, after a couple minutes she looks at me and says “Where are you from? You look Khmer”. And after I gave her my spiel on how I’m Asian-American she looked at me and said “I don’t believe you. Your eyes are small, and your skin is dark. I think maybe you are not American.” My usual response to someone saying this is to put on my best fake smile and walk away, which is what I did. My friend could tell that I was bothered by what the lady said and after we were out of the market she turned to me and asked “Are you going to be ok?” And I responded with “Yeah, I deal with this shit all the time”. But truthfully, for the next year and a half, I’ll HAVE to be ok, no matter how much it hurts.
Oh, love I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m dealing with something similar where I am. Just remember that you are a beautiful awesome person, and that other people’s perceptions don’t define you.
Hey you, sorry to hear that you’re in a similar situation… no one should ever have to go through this. You’re a beautiful person and you’re doing great things! Let’s keep our heads up and power through!
I can tell that post was hard for you to post. Thank you for sharing and although it is hard now I’m sure you will grow as a person through it all. I admire you for what you do. Keep up the good work and stay strong knowing there are lots of people cheering for you
I’m so sorry to hear about this, but good for you for working through it. It’s strange to me, actually, that people would judge you negatively for “claiming” to be American — in France, some people are impressed by the fact that I’m American, because I speak French so well. Why can’t everybody just be nice??
Suo sdey! My name is Chhun, and I believe we have a mutual friend in Luz. Luz and I are both serving in Peace Corps Azerbaijani, and after she heard me speak in Khmer to my sister via Skype recently, she mentioned that she has a friend who’s in Peace Corps Cambodia. It’s crazy how I stumbled upon your blog, as I found a YouTube video of yours because I wanted some insight on Peace Corps Cambodia. Anyway, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time in Cambodia because of how you look. I’m having a similar experience here, as I’m questioned almost regularly about where I’m REALLY from. I’m a Cambodian-American, but I sometimes hear mock Chinese from locals. Adults like to call me Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan, and not by my actual name. Kids have come up to me and made kung-fu noises and moves. All that stuff get under my skin. But I keep in mind why I’m here, and the impact I’m making by just walking around my village. My community seemed to have accepted me, and I count that as a daily blessing. There will always be people who question who you are, but know that you’re not the only person going through this. Also, if you ever want to talk about this, you can write me on Facebook (search for Chhun Sun). You can definitely share more of your experience in Cambodia. I’ve been working my whole life to eventually live and work in my parents’ homeland. I’m almost there, as I’m hoping to do just that after my service here.